God is a Funny Guy

I was worried about something last night.  Something that I know already has an answer, just not an answer that I know yet.  I felt almost panicked about.  I decided to go to my reading plan and here is what it said:

Thanks, God, for restating what I already was feeling.  I literally laughed out loud.  Oh the irony.  It may have been one of those "You had to be there" moments, but I really think it was his way of telling me not to worry.  As I was pondering all of that this a.m. I ran across a quote of someone's FB page that was again reiterating how I was feeling in a different sense. 

To you these may both seem like random ramblings.  Perhaps God was not actually speaking to me through Face Book.  For me it was just the thing I needed to hear at just the right time.  I still feel anxious about what today will bring, and I am still trying to lay it down.  I take comfort in the fact that God does care about ME enough to lead me to the right places at the right time, even if he refuses to clue me in on what that is.  

Do you smile when you run?

I am going to brag on myself just a bit... I finished my 3rd half marathon last weekend!!!!!  I am already dreaming of my next.  I love it.  Running is so good for my soul.  I was never athletic, mainly because I never found anything I was good at.  I am not particularly great at running, but I am devoted once I commit.  It really makes me feel wistful that I would have persevered in jr. high and high school.  It never occurred to me that I could play if I was not good.  Unfortunately my knee is starting to feel the brunt of months of training, so I am going to start strength training for a while.   I am hoping this is just what I need to get a little muscle tone on my body, but I am feeling very apprehensive about it.   I have visions of failure, frowning coaches, and a complete set back.  Also my eating has been a much less than stellar since I broke up with diet coke:(  I really need to pull it together.

When I see the total passion Madelyn has for sports it really makes me want to push on even if it can't be in running for a while.  Sweet girl loves to play and even enjoys practice.  She avidly tracks scores, pouts when she misses games, plans extra practice with Ben and stays up late to watch sports with her dad.  M lifts up her team mates, and typically tries her little heart out.  She doesn't always get recognition from her coaches, her talent level is not quiet developed.  She still continues on.  She puts in a lot of time, it doesn't alway show.  She continues on.  She has a sister that scores without effort, she cheers for her.  She begs to run with me, and smiles and giggles the whole way.  The other day she asked me "Mom, do you always smile when you run?"  My answer was that I do often.  She smiled back and said she thinks running makes her want to smile too!  I pray that her talent catches up to her passion, but if it never does, I hope she won't give up.  I hope coaches will have a place for zeal and effort.  I could have learned a lot from her back in the day.  I guess I just get to learn from her now.  

The Voice of Truth

Over the last several weeks my excitement over the upcoming hiring season, and a chance to apply to teach has turned to anxiety and self doubt like no other.  I have seen motivation switch to ambivalence.  I have been really uncertain of what caused the change.  Was it God telling me to halt?  Was is my self defense mechanism trying to protect me from something that could possibly be painful?  Was it a spiritual attack on me?  It was really hard to pinpoint. I have been praying that my will would be aligned with God's for quiet some time.  It did not really seem like the kind of answers God gives, but was it?  So I changed my prayer to "God, please let me see the truth in this situation". After many days of panicky prayers to see the truth my aprehension and ambivilance only mounted.  On Saturday I felt like God was nudging me to keep my radio station on the Christian station while I was in the car.  Now I love me some ghetto-booty-shakin jams and it is a little out of my box to surrender to this request.  I really felt like surrounding my self with these calming songs would help me at the very least feel more at peace so I obliged.  Well over the days the song Voice of Truth had come on a few different times, and today yet again it was on.  Kind of strange that a song that was released 10 yrs ago was on the radio that often...  God must be trying to catch my ear.   Today I really listened and let it sink in.   I really felt it was his was of telling what the truth in situation really is. So cool that the words of the song are almost identical to my prayer. This part really struck me:
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'

"You'll never win"
 But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
 I don't know what the final answer will be yet, but I do know it will be for his glory!  

In case you are not familiar here is the entire song by Casting Crowns:
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Less=More

When I have ample time I tend to really squander it.  TV, FaceBook, naps, and long phone calls tend to fill my day.  Since I have gone from working 14 hour weeks to 40 hour weeks my time is much better allocated, it has a focus.  I overall feel happier, more accomplished, and intentional about the things I do.

For Me:

Less Control=Greater Opportunity for God to Work in Me

Less Weight= Improvements in running, Growth in confidence, Better health, More reasons to keep it up, More appreciation for those cocktails and junk food on the splurge day (brings back some of the novelty in it)

Less Fear= More Faith

Less Inhibition in Revealing myself to Others= More Room to Help Others by telling my Story

Less Diet Coke= 6 pounds gained from eating instead… uh oh not a good example :(

Less focus on Me= More focus on Others (not a mastered skill, but one I would love to obtain)

This brings me to tonight’s sermon at church.  Chris preached about generosity and giving.  He talked about how our bank account reflects who is favorite in our lives.  The bible reminds us to place all people in the same regard, not to favor the rich over the poor, or ourselves over others.  God also tells us he will multiply what he gives us when we are willing to give.  I too often feel torn between feeling guilt from being the spoiled opulent American that I am and lusting for the newest fashion, bigger house, Disney World Trip that everyone else has (by golly).  Just yesterday I went to Wal-Mart to buy some clothes for a kid that is in an orphanage in Guatemala.  Even though it was a nice act to do, I feel stingy that I chose Wal-Mart over the places I would actually buy my children’s clothing from.  Though we do faithfully tithe, our offering to others can be meager. Chris through his sermon definitely planted a seed of conviction. Maybe less in the bank account would equal more the kingdom of God.

What area in your life does Less=More?

Weeeeeee are never ever ever getting back together….

Sorry blog world for the long gap in blogs.  You see I am going through a rather dramatic break up.  We have been having a near daily rendezvous for probably close to 20 yrs.  Everyone told me he was no good for me. That he was nothing but a cheap imitation of what I really should have.  My head knowledge said no, but my heart said yes (for way too long).  My long time lover would bring me an afternoon thrill during the lull in my day.  He told me over and over that he was guilt free.  I was old enough to know better, but too young to care.  Yesterday I took delight in him one last time, and I finally said my final good bye.  Today I feel the freedom of a newly single gal.  Tomorrow I am sure the longings shall settle in…  I know it will be hard, but I must not look back.

Farewell Diet Coke.  I will miss you.

Janu-WHY-Ry and a Journey

The most dreaded month of the year.  January and I do not have a great track record.  I would often spend the last few days of December anxiously fretting the days ahead.  The cold weather, the holiday weight tightly packed on, the loneliness that follows so much November and December family time gave plenty to dislike. Stack on the death of my dad, a firing from a job, and another personal scar to make 31 long days of trepidation. New Year’s signified the beginning of a month I abhor.  I even decided many moons ago that I would celebrate Stacee New Year, if the Chinese could have their own why can’t I?  Stacee New Year happens on August 23^rd(my anniversary) and it falls right in line with the beginning of the school yr.  Makes more sense right?

Several years back I was involved in a dynamic bible study and sobbing about

Janu-blah to my peers.  They proclaimed and prayed that it would be a month of Joy.  They poured prayers over my future Januaries as well.  A month of joy, it was not.  It was the month I got fired from my job.  I made a mistake that was a complete freak accident, and my job was ripped from me like a band-aid on a raw scar.   However the event of that January did change my path for the good in so many ways.  Though the mistake was mine, I believe God allowed it to happen in order to change my direction in way I probably would have never chosen on my own.  It led me down the hardest and most amazing faith journey I have ever been on.  It brought me to a place where I actually see things on a spiritual level that was a lot more blurry before.  Sometimes I worry that those I talk to will find me fanatical or overly churchy when I speak in these terms.  This road I traveled brought me to a place of deep relationship with God. It was anger laced, resentment filled, it caused me to be totally dependant on God to do the work, and it left me totally 100% knowing that God orchestrated these events.  My will had to be broken for me to surrender.  I hope my words will not cause you to roll your eyes, but instead to see my heart in the matter. 

Now let’s fast forward to this January.  A few days into Janu-weary I thought "this is not too bad".  Within hours of that positive thought a cabinet that was mounted on the wall by a cabinet expert (Ben), spontaneously crashed causing some major damage to his truck.  My heart sank… it’s baaaaaa-aaaaack. (Janu-funk).  This time instead of fretting I went to the prayer leaders at church and laid it down. Again.  Forty-something hours later I was attacked by the infamous Cujo on my run.  Really God?  I prayed about this.   (Picture a demanding child pouting and stomping.)  Then during a point of thought and reflection I had an epiphany.  No months go by without something bad happening.  January is definitely one that causes me to seek the flaws however.  On a spiritual level, I chose the word sow and I remembered how many good seeds I have sowed into this month already.  Wouldn’t Satan love to replace that with dog bites and insurance deductibles instead?  From that point my perspective sort of changed.  I envisioned all the amazing things that I will reap because of my sowing in this January.   Don’t quote me on this because I will never proclaim January as the month of awesomeness, but I have begun to notice how many amazing people were born in this month.  My sweet friend Jen actually just brought a brand new baby into this month. Some glimmers of decency have began to peek around the corner. Oh and that major damage to the truck ended up hardly costing a thing.

Back to that faith journey from earlier.  This August my journey led me to a teacher’s aid position at the school of my choice.  While I was pumped about the location and finally having a job, I was also perplexed why God’s master plan only took me ¾ of the way to my destination.  Why not a fully paid, full responsibility teaching job?  I still do not know the answer.  What I do know is that I have learned so much about the teacher I want to be through this year.  By doing intervention I get to observe amazing teachers.  They have shown me much about how I want to teach.  I have learned the importance of praying over my students, class management, and instruction before I teach.   I have got to walk my kindergartener to class.  One more year of getting to go to my kid’s class parties has been possible.  How could I not know the answer of why I am here?  As hiring season approaches my stomach knots.  I have a feeling of great expectancy for the upcoming yr.  I know God would not bring me so close to leave me stalled out.  I also know it may not yet be his timing.  As I leave today I humbly ask you join me in praying for this upcoming hiring season.  Pray I trust in God’s Will.  Pray I don’t pick up my surrender.  Pray I have favor.  And if you are prompted, pray I get it!!

Monday Mumblings

Not much to say today, just felt like it was due time to throw out a blog.
Here are a few ramblings for you.

• I ate really horribly over the weekend.  Let's put it this way... the main veggies I ate were on top of pizza and burgers.  Do egg whites in the 8 or more cupcakes count as protein?  It caused me to be in a terrible mood.
• I ran 6 miles without a walk break today. (Whoop whoop)
• Partially to counter act bad behavior.
• It really made me feel so much better, mentally especially!
• Right eating and a healthy body image come really hard to me.  I always feel like I am on the edge of losing the ground I have gained.
• When ever bad thoughts and habits creep into to mind and actions I feel the best way to counter act them is to admit it.  Many know I am an over sharer anyway, but seriously the accountability goes a long long way for me.
• If you have something that is overcoming you, anything at all,  find a trust worthy person and admit it.  God works too, but trust me having a person know will do you a world of good as well!
• Did not intend to take this direction... so I am hoping someone needs to hear this today.